We may not take ourselves very seriously, but our products are as serious as it gets.
Mission: Get Functional
We want people to stop leaving opportunities on the table, doors unopened, and the amount of deathbed regrets they have to chance.
We exist to set them up for success with education, coaching, and of course - substances.
IN AN INDUSTRY FULL OF SNAKE OIL, JARGON, AND BULLSHIT,
WHAT WE'RE AFTER IS SIMPLE:
More functional substances, less bullshit.
We're real people, with real morals.
Living in the same world as you with the same everyday problems.
Being functional is about far more than just being a contributing member of society.
It's about overcoming challenges by understanding, and then expertly manipulating your very own biology to create the life you envisioned.
Yes, it's a lot of pills to swallow, and sometimes they're pretty big. Some might even need to borrow mom's credit card, but they know it's worth it.
Why? Because we're not selling some one-size-fits-all bullshit that doesn't do anything but make you pee funny colors.
And no, there is no amount of kale, spinach, random fad diet or trendy "life-hack" like eating exclusively raw liver that can compare.
Our stacks are proven to offer bespoke support for your specific goals.
As you've probably realized by now, there's levels to this; welcome to the highest one.
We're not scientists, we're worse.
We're obsessive health nerds armed with mega amounts of skepticism, access to leading health professionals, and cold hard cash.
We can't use their logos & names because
we didn't pay them to say it.
"The brand that the other brands hate, because they're a reminder that more is more. "
- His name might rhyme with Rian Bronsun
these guys are a complete wildcard. They don't care "how it's always been done" and that's what makes them dangerous.
- They might be a health magazine for dudes
"...Their blatant full-stack approach is a middle finger to the designer supplement industry who's more focused on selling pretty one-pill-magic-bullets and lake water than getting actual results..."
- No, we're not paying you to run the article, liv3str0ng.
"See... these guys are interesting. They're playing both sides. Sure the pills they push seem good. Whatever. but its good to see them also push good habits and lifestyle changes. I can't hate that."
- people love the D.O's big arms.
"I've seen countless brands come and go in this industry, I'm typically skeptical of new entrants. While getfunct's approach is undeniably different. Their boldness is both their greatest strength and a potential risk. We'll just have to wait and see"
- Some old dude in a lab coat, it's okay, we didn't really like him anyway.
Whew, that was a lot of reading
Get back to giving us your money.
